Autistic Adults
Dating as an undiagnosed autistic person was a challenge to say the least. Facing the sensory overwhelm of common first date activities combined with the pressure to mask when meeting new people was often a recipe for overstimulation. At the time, I didn’t even have the words for what I was experiencing let alone an understanding of what I was looking for from all those first dates.
I met my wife around the same time we were both beginning to understand our neurotypes. Turns out, part of the reason we made a good match was that we are both autistic. I started to notice that many of her qualities, and many of the skills we worked on together, lined up well with my needs as an autistic person and vice versa.
Now that we’ve been together over four years, I have a pretty solid list of her qualities that I should have been looking for all along. Without getting too sappy, here are the ones that I’d recommend looking for in a partner as an autistic person.
- They understand when you need to take sensory breaks.
Sometimes you need a sensory break during an activity that might not typically have breaks. Having a partner who understands this is amazing. I like to take sensory breaks when shopping, sometimes by stopping to grab a coffee or simply by sitting in the car for a little while. Being able to take those breaks without it being a big deal make the whole experience more enjoyable and allows me to visit more stores during our trip.
- They’re comfortable in silence.
We all know the feeling of an awkward silence (and know people who will always try to fill it), but quiet time can be crucial for autistic people when we’re feeling overstimulated. This is one of the reasons why parallel play (focussing on separate activities in a shared space) and body doubling (the same thing, with a focus on productivity) are a common way we enjoy socializing as autistic people. Someone who also enjoys this style of socializing might make a good partner.
- They can recognize the signs of when you’re starting to get overstimulated.
Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone in your corner who understands your needs nearly as well as you do. If, like me, you sometimes struggle with interoception (know what your body is feeling and needing) it can be helpful to have someone with an outside perspective with the ability to take notice when you’re reaching your limit. My wife can sometimes sense I am overstimulated before I clue in and redirect me to a regulating activity or stim.
- You can stim together.
Whether it is bouncing a vocal stim back and forth, dancing together, or using each other for deep pressure therapy, stimming together is a great way to co-regulate. Some of us also carry shame when it comes to stimming. Whether we are masking for various reasons, experienced bullying around our natural stims, or have simply been told to “sit still” too many times, it can be difficult to reconnect with those needs. Being free to stim without fear of judgement can be crucial to a comfortable home and a regulated nervous system.
- You can compensate for each other’s sensory issues.
Relationships are all about balancing each others’ strengths. If you’re lucky, your challenges will line up with your partner’s strengths and vice versa. If you’re really lucky, your sensory issues line up the same way. For example, the bright lights, visual overwhelm, and crowds of the grocery store are extremely overstimulating for me, so my wife kindly takes on a majority of the food shopping. In return, I have her back on any jobs around that house that come with an unpleasant smell.
- You can share special interests.
Being able to share special interests with your partner is one of the most magical parts of a neurodivergent or neurodiverse relationship. Watching your partner learn everything they can about a subject is delightful and seeing their passion is so wonderful. I really appreciate that my wife can listen to me infodump on whatever tv show is my current hyperfocus and still ask more questions.
- They have the same communication style as you do.
This one is a big topic in all relationships. How well you can communicate with your partner can make or break a relationship. Of course, you can learn to communicate with anyone as long as you both put enough work in, but finding someone who clicks with your natural and taught rhythms is so helpful. I know I have a different communication style than many of the neurotypical people in my life. This can and has lead to misunderstandings and even rifts. The fact that my wife and I have similar communication styles (and have put in the work to close the gaps) has made us so much closer than any relationship (romantic or otherwise) I’ve experienced prior.
- They deal with conflict in a healthy way
Every relationship faces conflict, but it’s how you deal with it that matters. Maintaining respect for each other, even when angry, is crucial. As an autistic person, I need a lot of reassurance during conflict. I’m highly sensitive to tone, volume, and passive aggression and often experience Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria at any perceived slight. My wife and I work hard to reassure each other during conflict and try to treat conflict as Us vs. The Problem and never Me vs. Her.
- They have a tolerance for sameness.
Many autistic people, myself included, need routine to feel balanced. This can mean many things, from having the same schedule day to day, to rewatching the same shows over and over, to playing a song on repeat or eating the same foods everyday. Often, our sense of overwhelm caused by so much sensory input in our daily lives can be mitigated by some level of sameness. Ideally, our partners will understand this need and either accommodate it or also thrive in it.
- They treat you as an equal.
As disabled people, we all know the experience of being treated less than equal. Even people with the best of intentions can sometimes treat us with condescension or worse. A partner who understands this, works to overcome ableist stereotypes, and strives for an equitable partnership is someone who is worth keeping around.
- They validate your identity.
Sometimes the most important thing a partner can do for you is make you feel seen. As I mentioned at the top of this article, I started to learn more about myself during the first year my wife and I were together. When I realized I am autistic, my wife was so supportive. She made it clear that it didn’t make a difference to her as I was the same person she was already falling for. In the same breath, she wanted to know more so that she could support me and know me completely. I wish that level of support for every autistic person reading this, whether that is from a partner or anyone else in their life.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
