How to Support your Autistic Family Member During the Holidays

The holidays can be a challenging time, whether you’re autistic or not. Whether it’s the change in routine, having to see people you don’t like very much, or eating food that you can barely stomach, the holidays can be an especially difficult time of year. That’s not to say the holidays aren’t also joyous and fun. Just because someone is autistic doesn’t mean we dislike the holidays, of course. It just means we may deal with and react to them differently than society has taught you to expect.

This is the single biggest thing about being autistic or having autistic family members: you must adjust your expectations. Just because someone else can do something, or you think we “should” be able to, doesn’t mean we can, or should be expected to. Sometimes in order to do something, we need to sacrifice our spoons, wellbeing, safety, or any number of other things, just to appear neurotypical. This is unfair to us as autistic people; we shouldn’t be forced to be someone else or to do something we are uncomfortable doing. Also, one day or time we can maybe “do the thing,” but that doesn’t mean we can all the times, and this needs to be respected and understood.

Here’s a non-exhaustive list of ways you can help your autistic family member feel welcome this holiday season:

1. For autistic, or otherwise neurodivergent people, the holidays can be overwhelming. This may lead to them exhibiting “unwanted” or “unexpected” behaviours, but this is not something we do on purpose. In order to regulate, we may arm flap, pick our fingers, be loud or nonspeaking, or appear “spoiled” because we act like they are upset for “not getting their way.” When these things occur, the best thing you can do is let us do it. You may ignore it or even ask if we need something, but be prepared to be ignored. Also, before the event or gathering, discreetly tell or show us where we can go to regulate. If this is in our own home, don’t worry if we disappear for a few moments to a safe space where we can regulate.

2. Certain foods may cause sensory discomfort or agitation due to sensory overload, which may especially happen over the holidays. If this happens, allow us to eat something that makes us comfortable. Allow us to eat food that may have been made for younger guests. Let us eat whatever we can. Forcing us to eat food we dislike or are uncomfortable trying is unnecessary and can be a trigger.

3. Sometimes sitting still for a time is just too much, so we may want to stand, or walk, or run around. As long as it’s safe, let us do this.

4. Know that our schedule is usually completely different over the holidays. For many of us, a schedule is important, and changes to them are unwelcome, even with time to prepare.
   • Personally, I enjoy having my relaxing, alone time in the evening. This is much more challenging to do with my family visiting and children home from school. We all wake up later than normal. Work, school, and extracurriculars are all on break. This may be a welcome reprieve for some, but for others it throws the internal clock into disarray. It may even be both sometimes; I look forward to the break but also dislike the lack of routine.

5. During the holidays, everyone tries to put on a cheerful face and be peaceable. This can be especially exhausting for us. Masking is something many of us feel we must do daily, and over the holidays this is especially true. We may not want to disrupt the events and just “fit in,” allowing everyone else to feel comfortable and enjoy the festivities, when on the inside we may be squirming and screaming. After doing this for a while, we may get tired of doing it and need space. If this happens, give us space to allow us to stop masking and reassure us we don’t need to hide who we are.

6. Over the holidays, spread out the events or activities to allow the us time to recharge. They have a certain number of spoons to last them through the day and if they are doing too many new, stimulating things too close together, their spoons may run out faster. Try to plan one activity a day, unless we let you know we feel up to more. Just don’t force it on us.

7. Allow us to leave the event or activity as needed. If you are hosting us, show us a cozy, comforting space we can go to if we need to recharge.

8. Just like with changes in schedules, many of us don’t love surprises. This can make gift giving—and getting–—an awkward situation. You may get us a gift you think we’ll absolutely love. You put lots of time into finding it and wrapping it just right. Then we receive the gift and barely register a smile on our face. Maybe we say, “thank you” and set it aside. This was not the reaction you were hoping for.
   • A few things could be happening here. We simply were not as excited about the gift as you had hoped. We may not know what it is or like it, but know manners dictate we at least say, “thank you.” Another possibility is we do like it, but just don’t show this as you may have hoped. Oftentimes, an we don’t show our emotions in a typical way, even if we feel them inside. Either way, we may just not express our feelings as expected.
   • Personally, I’m this way. I may get a fantastic gift, and I’ll only smile and maybe say “thank you so much,” but I don’t get excited or burst into tears or anything. However, this isn’t to say other autistics won’t have this reaction. Let us know it’s all right for us to show gratitude however we choose. Don’t make us feel guilty for not acting exactly as society dictates.

9. Let us eat alone if we need to. We may prefer this as it could be less stimulating than a large holiday table and meal. This may also be one area where we can keep our routine (perhaps we normally watch television or read a book while eating or sit at a different table).

10. Don’t make us feel guilty for needing space or being autistic. Accept us for our neurodiversity and show us you appreciate and love us. Allowing us to be our authentic self is one of the best ways you can do this.

While a holiday season with autistic family members may look different, know that different doesn’t mean worse. Adjust your expectations to make sure we are included and not made to feel left out. It will be worth it to know we feel welcome by their own family.