Autistic Adults
Fawning: It’s a topic that comes up often in my work at AutismBC.
Some of the most moving memories I’ve made since I started have been during our bi-weekly Getting Together on the Spectrum (GTOTS) meetings, which connect autistic adults from across the province. It functions somewhat like a moderated online group therapy session where topics are suggested. Often, conversation veers outside of the topic’s limitations, and other commonalities arise.
One of the topics GTOTS participants often ask about is autistic fawning, related to the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder response by the same name.
What is fawning?
Fawning is a lesser-known trauma response which attempts to “appease” or “befriend” a threat (Psych Central) to avoid further harm.
It is not intentional behaviour but a knee-jerk response to a perceived threat. Still, there is reasoning behind this physiological response; in a confrontational or hostile environment, one of the ways to survive is submitting, staying quiet, and going unnoticed. Fawning people’s bodies are trying to reduce the amount of pain and suffering they’re experiencing by being a neutralizing, easygoing presence, even if they’re feeling excruciating emotional and physical discomfort. The goal is to end the conflict, whether it works or not.
Some noticeable signs of fawning (Psych Central) include:
- Ignoring your own needs: You might agree to plans that overwhelm or exhaust you, such as a social event when you need rest, just to keep someone else happy
- Over-friendliness towards harmful people: This might look like being overly nice to someone who has mistreated you, offering to help them, or going out of your way to please them in hopes of avoiding further harm
- Responding to criticism with compliments: After being unfairly criticized, you might immediately respond with praise in hopes of defusing the situation
- Difficulty saying no: You may find yourself agreeing to requests you really want to refuse, like taking on extra work or doing favours you don’t have time for, to avoid disappointing or upsetting others
It’s important to know what fawning is so you can more easily identify and understand it. That’s true regardless of whether you fawn yourself or not. It’s also true whether you’re autistic or not.
What’s the difference between PTSD fawning and autistic fawning?
The difference between fawning as a general trauma response and autistic fawning is simply that autistic people experience fawning differently.
We’re neurodevelopmentally different from non-autistic people, so it makes sense.
However, since each autistic person is also unique, the way they act when they’re fawning will vary greatly depending on their abilities, skills, environment, support system, and so much more.
Generally, autistic folks are highly sensitive, which means they’re sometimes more easily triggered into trauma responses like fawning than non-autistic people would be.
We also tend to feel things extremely deeply and intensely, and we struggle to mask or hide our natural reactions during those times.
Supporting yourself as an autistic fawner
As an autistic adult who used to fawn much more regularly, I know it is possible to do it less. What helped me was:
- Building a support network that feels safe and understanding
- Learning more about fawning and how it affects autistic people
- Observing fawning and its repercussions in my loved ones
- Getting to know my own triggers and support needs
- Adjusting to communicating those triggers and needs to the people who will be affected by them
- Developing my sense of self-trust and self-love
- Attending PTSD therapy and groups like GTOTS
- Giving myself grace, forgiveness, and compassion when I make mistakes
Learning what works for you and what doesn’t is a challenge, but it also has the potential to be incredibly rewarding. Ultimately, when the goal is to feel more secure and comfortable in your body, environment, and social network, the payoff goes directly to you. That can be a practice in building self-love and trust.
What’s important is to keep trying. As most fawners know, fawning can be dangerous. Being able to say no when you want to say no is important. Knowing yourself is important. You deserve to feel safe and loved, and it’s okay if that feels impossible sometimes. It isn’t, and there are people all around the world who feel similarly to how you do.
Supporting autistic fawners while allistic
If you’re not autistic and see this happening, do your best to stay calm and be patient and supportive. It takes time for trauma responses to wear off, and one of the ways to speed the process up is by regulating the nervous system.
If you’re close to this person, try offering solutions or activities that usually soothe them. If you don’t, here are some good options to use in general when someone is going through a PTSD episode:
- Provide a quiet, safe place to unwind
- Make sure they have water and food if they need it
- Help them get to a bathroom if they need it
- Offer help with breathing exercises or sensory deprivation tools like earplugs if needed
It won’t always be possible to provide these things, but if you can, ask the person if they want them before you act.
Sometimes, it’s hard to help people who are fawning because they’re in a state of being where they don’t feel safe advocating for themselves or communicating their needs. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but it does mean you should manage your expectations and be there to support your loved one when their episode ends.
The more trust you build with someone who fawns, the safer they’ll feel around you, and the more natural communication about their episodes will feel. Trust in the process and know that it takes time and effort to change PTSD symptoms.
If you want to join our Getting Together on the Spectrum group, register for the most recent event on our Events page.
